notes from 2022

January 2022.

2022. I name it Stardust. A perfect word to represent a feeling or impression of magic, or ethereality. 

March 2022.

Like a stardust that flew slowly to nowhere in outer space. I have been in the moment when I need validation from others. Is this right, normal, and acceptable? I was overthinking about what others were going to say to me when I did this and that. I am afraid of being excluded. 

I am afraid of being both alone and lonely.

August 2022.

OK, Mom. I finished what I started. But then, why did I feel so empty? (in this field) 

The decision that your daughter made when she was 18 years old, was the best decision at that time. Hmm, back then, she didn't know yet. She didn’t have the information yet.

But now, she is thrilled to explore numerous new things in this big world! (that matters to her and her goals)

September 2022.

Graduation was the moment when I feel I am on my own. Am I?

Certain moments gave me some understanding about “at the end of the day, you only have your own self”. My college friends were coming back to their home city. My outside colleagues friend have settled into a job, are married, have a baby, studying for a master’s degree. Oh, I am 24 now.

still at my parents' house

Thought I would have it figured out

Friends getting married, one has a baby

I barely recognize this town

Mama asked me what my plan is for the future.

But I don't even know what's going on for dinner.

I'm twenty-four now,... - thanks to sundial for this amazing song. 

God. The One who I always feel comfortable with. To tell a super secret story, to cry, to scream, to thank, and be grateful for everything that God gives to me.

The One that assures me that one door closes, another door opens and everything happens for a reason. Like those four things that happen in 2022. 

A popular one, I know. When I am at my lowest point, I hold into this God’s word from the Holy Quran,

“Allah does not require of any soul more than what it can afford” (https://quran.com/2/286 )

This is the core of all spirits that I have.

October 2022

Passed the National Dentistry Examination, Graduation, a Fully funded trip to the United States of America (I’ve been waiting for this trip since the first acceptance letter came to my email in August 2021), and Supportive best friends and family. These four things are the best of this year. 

Those four doors open, meaning that I have to sacrifice several things. I questioned myself multiple times. Was I on the right path? At first, my heart answered no, “You are wrong, different, and left behind”. It takes a lot of time to finally deal with my heart and head. I can finally say it is OK to not be OK. It is OK to be different. It is OK to choose a rare path. You attract what you are. You’ll meet someone who is just like you. 

November 2022

I understand that everybody has a different level of sensitivity and a different level of excitement. Glamorous and other shining achievements out there don’t bother me. I am happy with everyone's blessings and empathetic with everyone's darkest moments as I understand that every person has a different starting point and finish line. 

December 2022.

Stardust. It glimmered. Theoretically, it is also the ashes of a big bang. The saddest moment, the happiest moment, 2022 has it all. You are a mastermind. Thank you for making me way too excited for 2023 already. 

A letter to me:

We are not formally competing in this world, but somehow we see it as a competition or a motivation for a better tomorrow. That is totally fine, but remember that you do you, not you do what everyone does. Focus on your why. As Taylor Swift said, The scary news is, you're on your own now. But the cool news is, you're on your own now.

To all of the people in 2022, thank you for being part of my 2022. 

To myself, thank you for staying alive.

p.s. Several months I just clueless and packed such as Feb, Apr, May, June, Jul